Clothes Guys Shouldn’t Wear — Unless You Really Want To

• Span­dex: This is prac­ti­cal for pro­fes­sional ath­letes or those train­ing for ath­letic com­pe­ti­tion, such as road bike rac­ing or track and field. You need to be in great shape to pull it off. Even if you have great quads or giant glutes, hav­ing them on full dis­play in the wrong sit­u­a­tion, along with your pack­age, is still an eye sore.  It’s best to think “less is more.” Let the ladies give you some­thing nice to look at instead of your buddy. If you really need to squeeze them on, then wear some­thing over them like shorts. Adrian Greiner should have known bet­ter. And what’s up with the girl next to him?

• UGG Aus­tralia boots:  These boots are a trend for women, mean­ing it’s over­priced and designed for their looks and com­fort. Men need boots that are also com­fort­able, but rugged, durable, water­proof and mean. They have a men’s line but the brand is strongly asso­ci­ated for women. So don’t fool your­self, even if your girl­friend is. Go instead for Red Wings, Tim­ber­lands, Sorel, Clarks or L.L. Bean. Bed/Stu is a newer brand but uses old world fun­da­men­tals. Also, never tuck your pants into your boots unless you’re climb­ing a mountain.

• Shorts: Wear­ing casual shorts is com­fort­able dur­ing the warmer months, but make sure they’re the proper length, which is past mid thigh and at or above the knee. Michael Jor­dan had the right idea when he went to longer shorts, pos­si­bly start­ing this thank­ful trend. Also, it’s imper­a­tive to wear shorts at this length dur­ing a work­out to avoid a free peep show of the fam­ily jew­els. Again, “less is more.” And don’t wear jean shorts. Mus­tache is optional.